almost a year to the day that I last wrote in here. Crazy!! I reread the last, what, 2 years worth of journal entries (there's only like 6, haha) and man, so weird to read my perspective on things back then as opposed to now. Granted I didn't really go in depth with how I was feeling, still, really interesting to see where I was exactly 1 year ago, and exactly 2 years ago, especially with the whole Robin thing, as opposed to now.

Last year this time, I was still adjusting to the anti-depressants. I hated being on them, but they helped, a lot, and I was pretty much broken. November was 3 months into them and already I had a much better outlook on life. I'm sorry to say that my depression did cost me a few friends. But it totally strengthened a lot of others.

Jennie has always been the most amazing and supportive friend, and she continues to be, even from Santa Barbara. It sucks not living with her!!! I definitely miss it, but she's supposed to be there, and I'm, well, I;m not sure where I'm supposed to be, haha, but for now, our friendship is still going strong and I could never live without her. She inspires me to be a better person every day.

Drea has been my absolute rock, especially since moving back here. Its been kind of weird being back, but Drea has been my partner in crime. We worked out together almost on a daily basis for the first part of summer. Then I got a job again, so we don't see each other as often, but man. Our drunken nights and our relaxing nights and our working out nights are all amazing. She inspires me in a different way, but nonetheless, she is absolutely amazing and I love her.

Berny moved to Texas last summer, almost on a whim. We had a week's warning. Its been rough. She's making new friends out there and Drea and I are carrying on pretty well here, so the hard feelings creep up sometimes, but hopefully she'll be back. She will forever be my crazy friend and is always great for advice, even if you don't intend on taking it!

Anna has been a new addition to my group of trusted friends. Started out not liking each other for various work reasons. One day she invited everyone at work to go line-dancing. Only two people went. THat started a wonderful tradition of weekly line-dancing that I greatly miss. She was totally heaven-sent though, at a time when I needed all the support I could get. She even moved down to Rancho to go to pharmacy school in Pomona!! Talk about craziness. I don't see her nearly enough, but I love her and she is definitely someone who has been a great support the past year.



SInce moving back I've gotten back in touch with various people and its really nice! I was so scared that I was gonna move back to a place I grew up in and not have any friends!! Haha, I lost touch with just about everyone as early as jr year of high school. Once I left for college, I pretty much only spoke with a small group of people. Yay for nice people who never took me off their facebook friends' lists and still inviting me to parties even tho i NEVER ONCE went...haha (thanks Sarah).

I pretty much hate work but its a good job, so I can't complain too much. I just wish I had more time to hang out with people. I work full time and am at school all day on my two days off, so I don't get a lot of free time, and since I'm stubborn and refuse to give up personal time I tend to be very tired for lack of sleep several days in a row. haha, oh well.

I'm back on that strict diet I was on like 3 years ago, I've lost 30 pounds, still have another 35 to go. I keep cheating on it tho, so its not going as quickly as I'd hoped. Last time I wasn't 21....this time I am and the drinking opportunites are a lot harder to say no to and I'm not allowed to have alcohol on the diet!!! oops! Haha, I've been amazing about the food tho for the last 2 weeks, and will continue to do so until the last pound is shed!! STarting SUnday I'll go back to the no-drinking rule and hopefully lose all the weight in a jiffy so I can drink again!!




<3

so, its been quite awhile since i wrote an entry and even longer since I read what anyone else wrote...

but my lovely said she felt inspired to write some stuff, so I was curious...

and lovely, it was beautiful...<3

I've changed a lot over the past 5 months. I've gone through a lot and was broken down to the point where I knew I had to change something if I was going to survive....and I mean that quite literally. I opened up to just a few people about it, because I was ashamed and didn't want people to know that I could be so lost and vulnerable as to need medication to make myself work right.

I was surprised by just about every reaction I got. And I have to say every reaction was different and not what I expected. Two of my flakiest friends were my rocks this summer. I didn't want to tell them, but they were too good of friends to accept that I was ok and pushed gently until I confessed to them. And while they were a little skeptical, I have to say they did any amazing job of making sure to keep my mind off things, and they loved me when I broke down, which I have to admit was often.

To another, I opened up and she ended up upset with me when I didn't want to go party. I was shocked by that reaction too. The lack of concern, lack of phone calls, lack of caring. THat one hurt a lot, and still does, but I've moved past it. I can't bring myself to make an effort, but I still love her and wish her the best.

I came back to school scared out of my mind of being alone. You have no idea how much time I've spent praying the past 5 months. ANd luckily, my friends here were amazing too. The Lord totally blessed me with true friends who took care of me when I needed it the most. He allowed me to be vulnerable, and rely on Him and other people He placed in my life, which is something I never did easily or often.

Luckily school and work keep me busy, and the medication helps enough to where I still feel normal.

My dog died over the summer, and Espy (the hamster) died early October. WIth that and other life problems, I know that life will never be perfect, not even good all the time. But I trust 100% that the Lord has a plan and that as long as I focus on him, He's taking care of me. Things may not be great, but there is a lesson in all this, and I'm learning every step of the way. I'm truly content for the first time in my life and it is totally through the grace of our Lord. I'm coming to realize all of this and more and I'm learning not to waste time or dwell on things.

I don't make excuses when it comes to hanging out with friends or going out. I even go line dancing with a friend from work who I never really talked to before and we have a BLAST!!! haha, its really so much fun. And I asked another co-worker to go to a concert on campus with me. I'm taking chances and having fun and its all one step at a time, but I'm doing well...

I miss you all and I just want to apologize to those of you I've hurt. I'm sorry I tend to not give many of you a lot of my time, and I'm sorry for that. I wish you all the best and send you all my love.

<3

so my spring break officially ended this morning as i went back to work...

totally feel like i didn't rest at all!!!

haha, i spent my second-to-last night with tricia and some random people at the hookah bar....which was mucho fun!!! haha, and then is pent my last night playin bunco with my mom and her friends...that one wasn't as fun cuz i lost!!! bu hao!!!

anyhoo, i'm back at school, and had work today, tomorrow, and saturday, but i've got sunday and monday off, which is always nice...hehe...

love you all, sorry if i didn't get to see you, but i'll be home again soon!

ok, so this is mainly for the guys, but all feedback is appreciated...

if a girl tells you she likes you and you tell her "you're not too bad yourself."....

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!!!!!

so, its week 7 and i have missed like a bajillion days of school cuz i've pretty much been sick about three times since school started. Yup, sucks, but oh well.

I quit pacsun. That was a change. I now work at CVS pharmacy. I like it a lot, just a huge change. A lot to learn, but lots of hours that don't get taken away during "slow" seasons. i mean, lets face it, everyone needs medication all the time, so its nice. Plus, i get paid more, so i'm good.

I went to Vegas for my birthday. That was seriously the most fun I'd had in a long time. Lots of drunken memories and I can't wait to go again. Had a slight "romance" with a guy I'd been crushing on for a couple years. Nothing every came of it but man, made the trip just that much better, ya know? Other than that, girl time was much needed and altho my feet were numb for about two weeks afterwards (totally not even kidding), it was nice to get all dressed up every night. I think i paid for one drink the entire weekend, so that was cool.

Since then, i've gone downtown a couple of times. It was fun i guess. I've discovered I like to drink, just drink, not dance, just drink, which i think may be a problem!! haha, but its ok, the past couple times i went there wasn't a whole lot of opportunity to dance so i think that may have been why. But I'm enjoying being 21. I can order a drink with my meal and be merry, which is always nice. Sucks when i don't get carded tho, which has happened a couple of times, but oh well.

Other than that, I'm just trying to move on with my life. Robin and I officially ended it about 3 months ago now. Its hard, but its getting easier. Granted, i've made a few drunk calls to him, which led to unpleasant follow-ups the next morning, but I'm hanging in there. I miss him terribly but hey, if its not meant to be, its not meant to be. I'm open to dating but haven't found anyone that interests me, so I'm just focusing on work and school. I'm probably not coming home for spring break, so if anyone wants to come up and keep me company just let me know!!!

anyhoo, i hope everyone is doing great!! I love you and miss you all!!

so thank you to everyone who came to mine and drea's party on saturday!!! I hope you had fun!!!

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything.. Tutors,
Mentors, flash cards,
Special learning centers. In short, everything
They could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took
Zachary down and enrolled him
in the local Catholic school. After the first
day, little Zachary came home with a very
serious look on his face. He
didn't even kiss his mother Hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and
started studying. Books and papers were spread
out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back
to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back
hitting the books as hard as before. This went on
for some time, day after day, while the mother
tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report
card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his
room and hit the books. With great trepidation,
his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise,
little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no
longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it?
Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and
shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied,
Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the
uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on
the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to
the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

so, two finals finished yesterday....

and i just finished one of my take-homes, like a minute ago, so it just needs to be turned in and i'm all set with that!!

now one final tomorrow....

and finish about 4.5 pages of one more paper....

and nikkie is free!!!!!!

then i can be as happy as i wanna be cuz

I'M GONNA BE 21 IN EXACTLY TWO WEEKS!!!

hehe....

<3

so, i'm at the goleta library, cuz i figured i needed to be out of the house to do my two take-homes and it waseither starbucks or borders, and i thought both would be too noisy, and the school library would be too crowded, so i remembered this place. Got here right when it opened, (10am) and staked out my spot. I've got about ten books and two notebooks all scattered about, but it was really productive the first hour. 2 pages!!! now, an hour and a half later, i'm on here, only one paragraph farther than i was at 11:30.....blah...

haha, oh well. I guess i'll get back....the other 8-11 pages won't write themselves!!!

hope everyone is having a decent day.

Tracy, things will get better and if they don't, a good cry is always amazing in the feeling better process. I love you....call me. <3

scratch that, how bout a four day cruise to the bahamas?

just about $400!!!

let me know if you're interested!!!

so, makin plans for spring break and summer next year.

Drea and i wanna go to New York for 4th of July...

and I'm thinkin Italy for spring break....

who's down?

=D

exactly three weeks from today i will be 21...

woot woot!!!!

i'm so excited!!!!

yay!!!!

Amber, your birthday's soon too!!!!

we're so old!!! yay!!!

nikkie is sad


everyone have fun tonight!!! i miss you all!!! dance for me!!!

nikkie finally did her time capsule thing!!!

yay for jen!!!!

and color me mine!!!

and spending $80 at hallmark!!!

haha

Nikkie doesn't know what to put in the time capsule!!! blah!!!!

5 midterms down...

2 to go...

i've only been in school 5 weeks...

only 2 papers....

sooooooo tired

haha, i finally stopped being stingy and realized that 8 hours of sleep will not help me get thru school with good grades, so i don't sleep as much now and i definitely get more work done...

haha

24 hours of work this week

not too bad, but definitely tiresome

RObin's coming up this weekend

one midterm next monday

and a shitload of reading

AMber's not comin up next weekend either....booo

haha, i understand, but still a lil sad...

woulda been nice to see the ladies and veg out for awhile...

things will calm down after thanksgiving, so i'm reallly looin forward to that.

55 days til christmas

56 til i can get drunk legally...

haha

Yeah, i'm super excited about my 21st now. I can't believe its coming up so fast. I can't believe I'm already gonna be 21, that's totally insane. I can remember always thinking those big numbers were so far away, and here i am, just two months away!!

its pretty crazy

alrite, time for class, hope ya'll are doing better!!! seems like school is kickin everyone's butt!!!!

omg, so Dan in Real Life is pretty amazing. I liked it. Dane Cook is amazingly hot.

afterwards went and got some dessert at chili's...

then drove phil's car home...which was an adventure...haha, yeah cuz its been awhile since i last drove stick and i wasn't used to his car. I only stalled once, and it was before i even got out of the parking lot, which was cool but i kinda stopped myself at a red light, cuz i didn't push the clutch all the way in so i was kinda stranded when the light turned green and of course there were two bicyclists next to me and a car behind me who honked and got me all flustered...haha

aw well, i got a B+ on my first midterm, which was very nice. Had my second one on monday, not as bad as i thought it would be but then again i haven't gotten a grade yet. third one this thursday, and then 4 more after that. Kind of intense, but i'm dealing. Work is starting to pick up which is nice but at the same time not so much cuz school is so hectic.

Lots of friends are keeping in touch, and that makes me happy. I have friends checking up on me cuz they know fires are burning in SB county, and i have friends who call or text randomly just cuz they want to and i have the friends who are kind of down right now and need an ear. That last group makes me sad, but i like knowing that I'm missed. That's one of those things that kind hasn't happened consistently the past two years and so now its nice. But yeah, thank you if you fall into any of the above categories. I value your friendships so much and I'm glad we haven't fallen into that majority group who stops talking after high school...

In other years, today is a one year anniversary for me. A few of you know what's up. Interesting. A couple days ago, jen and i were reading past lj entries, and i went back to a year ago this week and its amazing to see how much i've grown. I was in such a terrible place this time last year and that was something i always knew, but i just didn't know to what extent, and i see it now and i'm so glad i'm not there anymore. This anniversary is crazy for me, cuz i can't believe how much has happened in a year. I know what mindset i was in a year ago tonight and i can't believe i let myself get that low. I will never be that low again, and i have no regrets, but its still so amazing to see.

Things have been looking up lately. Jen and I are doing great, and i hope that keeps up.

I have friends, who want to hang out with me and a one on one basis and not just hanging out with me cuz i'm Jen's roommate.

I'm doing well in school.

I'm getting more hours at work than normal, which is always nice.

I'm not working out as much as i'd like to but i'm not just lazying around the house either, so that's a plus...

anyhoo, its time for bed, so nitey nite everyone!!!

<3

a.w. i love you too

<3

> There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
> 1. He called everyone brother.
> 2. He liked Gospel.
> 3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
>
> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
> 1. He went into His Father's business.
> 2. He lived at home until he was 33.
> 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He
> was God.
>
> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
> 1. He talked with His hands.
> 2. He had wine with His meals.
> 3. He used olive oil.
>
> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
> Californian:
> 1. He never cut His hair.
> 2 He walked around barefoot all the time.
> 3. He started a new religion.
>
> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an
> American Indian:
> 1. He was at peace with nature.
> 2. He ate a lot of fish.
> 3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
>
> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
> 1. He loved large gatherings that served alcohol.
> 2. He was always telling stories.
> 3. He loved green pastures.
>
> But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a
> WOMAN:
> 1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
> 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just
> didn't get it.
> 3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was
> work to do.
>
> AMEN

aw man so i got my schedule for the week of the 8th and man oh man, super crazy!!! I'm working 25 hours at pacsun this week and 29 next week!!! that means 45-49 hours for both jobs!!! kinda sux, but oh well. after next week then its only one more week and i won't have to worry about working at the school district til next summer, which will be nice.

So, since i pretty much have noooo days off until at least the 21st, and considering i have a lot i want to do, i gotta plan accordingly.

So, Tracy, count me in for whatever it is you're doing. i get off of work at 7, hopefully sooner, but i can be wherever after that.

Tracy and Amber, they changed my work schedule, so i work thursday but not til 5, so let's say we meet at tracy's at 12:30? sound good? lemme know.

as for the rest of the week, i'm kinda super busy!!! i hate that, but hopefully i can still get to see people in the meantime.

Sorry i didn't get a chance to go to your casa jacky, i was super tired after work and my house was closer than yours so i just went home. hopefully next time tho!!!

ok, well i gotta go now, hope everyone had a great weekend!! adios!!